163 Hilarious Quotes and Sayings for Your Facebook Status

Want to delight your social media friends? Borrow from this list of funny quotes and sayings for Facebook status, and enjoy some great laughs yourself!

If you’re trying to boost your engagement on Facebook or Instagram, you’ll want to know this. (Yes, you can use these for Instagram posts and stories too.)

Social media platforms reward engagement with engagement. While you are certainly welcome to borrow these phrases, you’ll increase your chances of being seen by getting out there a being seen.

If your friends see your likes on their posts, they’ll be more likely to see and like your posts. If your friends enjoy your comments on their posts, they’ll be more likely to see and comment on your posts.

Proceed and enjoy a few boisterous outbursts of laughter!

Funny Quotes and Sayings About Social Media

Tired of crafting and posting brilliant Facebook statuses only to be greeted by crickets?

W.T.F. is WhatsApp, Twitter, and Facebook.

There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.

On Facebook, you can talk to a wall.

Facebook is a fridge. When you are alone, you open it to see if there is anything there.

I wouldn’t need Facebook if there was a website that just told me whether or not my exes got fat.

I want to change my name to Nobody on Facebook. So when I see someone post something stupid, I can like it, and it will say, Nobody Likes This.

Everyone is normal until you add them as your Facebook friend.

I’m sorry that Im not updating my Facebook status. My cat ate my mouse.

What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to “like” cream cheese on Facebook?

Facebook should really have a “no one cares about” option too.

A long time ago, I used to have a life until someone told me to create a Facebook account.

That awkward moment when someone *Likes* One of your Very old Facebook statuses and you think “Creeper.”

Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It’s like Facebook in real life.

Happy New Year! Here’s to another year of binge eating, Facebook surfing, and Netflix marathons.

Dance like the photo isn’t being tagged. Love like you’ve never been unfriended. Sing like nobody’s following. Share like you care. And do it all like it won’t end up on Youtube!

“Mark Zuckerberg ruined our lives.” That might not be a funny Facebook status for him.

There are two types of human beings found on Facebook. One who gets an enormous amount of likes and comments on their posts. And the others are men.

You don’t have to like me. I’m not a Facebook status!

Quitting Facebookis the adult version of running away from home. We all know you do it for attention, and you’ll be back soon.

The internet is perfect because it satisfies my desire to be alone while still getting attention from people.

Thanks for the birthday wishes from everyone who noticed my name today in the upper right corner of your Facebook page.

In modern politics, even the leader of the free world needs help from the sultan of Facebookistan.

It’s almost bedtime, so I’ll just check my e-mail, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and watch a season of my favorite show on Disney+ real quick.

Everyone is fine until you see them on Twitter.

Funny Facebook Status Updates About Love

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you’ve never met.

For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love, or you’ll end up married.

I’m going to open a new Facebook account named Anonymous, so all the cool quotes will be attributed to me!

A relationship should be between two people, not the whole world.

Getting someone a Sonic drink means “I love you” in Texan.

Make love, not war. Or do both and marry today.

Love is a long sweet dream & marriage is an alarm clock.

You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I’m scared!

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.

If you expect something in return, it’s called business, not love.

Love does not consist of gazing at each other but in looking together in the same direction.
-Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Airman’s Odyssey

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.
-Richard Jeni

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
-George Carlin

Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.
-Woody Allen

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
-Albert Einstein

A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.
-Friedrich Nietzsche

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
-Charles Schulz

Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.
-George Burns

I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
-Rita Rudner

Love is like Wi-Fi, you can’t see it, but you know when you’ve lost it.

Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile phone contract.

Funny Quotes and Sayings for Facebook Status Updates About Family and Friends

You think you love your family, but suddenly there are three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.

A grandparent’s house is where cousins become best friends

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.

When someone rings the doorbell, I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

Two kids is two kids, but three is fifteen.

One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children.

When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, “My wife took everything when she left.”

Never let your best friends get lonely… Keep disturbing them.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, I HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!! (To all of my FB friends, please don’t read this until the appropriate day)

Being my friend is accepting that sometimes I reply to messages in one second and sometimes in 30 days.

My best friend is very strange. She says, “I miss you a lot,” and then the next minute, she stops responding for two weeks.

Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.

A good friend would bail you out of jail, but your best friend would be the one sitting next to you saying, “damn, that was awesome.”

Sarcastic Funny Quotes and Sayings for Facebook Status Updates

Sure, I’d love to help you out… Now, which way did you come in?

Some people should consider having multiple Facebook accounts to go along with their multiple personalities.

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

Facebook should have a limit on how many times a relationship status can be changed. After 3 times, it should change by default to “Unstable.”

If your relationship status says, “It’s complicated,” then you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single.”

People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don’t want to talk.

You don’t want to question me. I’ve forgotten more in the past week than you’ve learned your whole life.

People, like prescription drugs, should have to list the side effects they’re likely to cause.

“Employee of the Month” is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.

Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Whenever it’s a long story, it means they don’t want to tell you.

Do clouds ever look down on us and say, “That one is shaped like an idiot”?

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away, and you have their shoes.

Shout out to good-looking women who date unattractive men who aren’t rich. Thanks for keeping hope alive.

The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person who ticked you off.

I am a smart person but just do stupid things.

It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.

I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”

If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to smile about when you’re old.

Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter… People the opposite.

You’re so vain. You probably think this post is about you.

I’m so vain. I probably think this post is about me.

Don’t let anyone else ruin your day. It’s your day. Ruin it yourself.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Being Broke

You know you’re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.

My bank balance is a constant reminder that I’m safe from identity theft.

I hate when homeless people shake their cup of coins at me. It’s like yeah, I know you have more money than me—no need to rub it in.

The easiest way to double your money is to fold it over.

Mean Funny Quotes and Sayings for Facebook Status Updates About

Can I click your picture? I love pictures of natural disasters.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Politically Incorrect Funny Quotes and Sayings for Facebook Status Updates

The best way to change a woman’s mind is to agree with her.

Life would be perfect if some girls had mute buttons, some guys had edit buttons, bad times had fast forward buttons, and good times had pause buttons.

The liberals can understand everything but people who don’t understand them.

To eat oneself is the highest form of cannibalism.

Mornings

The pollen is so thick. I coughed up two daffodils and a pine cone this morning.

I never thought I’d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning… I was right!

Got caught up in a really good book last night. I didn’t stop coloring till 2 o’clock this morning.

Weather forecast for tonight: Dark with a chance of tomorrow in the morning.

The reason why I hate mornings so much is that they start while I’m still sleeping.

I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.

I don’t need a hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I believe there should be a better way to start each day… Instead of waking up every morning.

Just want to give a shout-out, a hug, some dap, a high 5, a pound, handshake, a pat on the back, a kiss, some love, and a good morning to you, Facebook.

A cute morning ‘chit chat’:
Broccoli: I look like a small tree!
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Walnut: I look like a brain!!
Banana: Can we please change the subject?

Funny Status Updates About Exercise

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money.

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon.”

Apparently, people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

I really want to work so hard. But being lazy is so much fun.

If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.

What the heck is planking? It’s the parkour of people who can’t move fast.

Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.

Positivity (or Coffee)

A good day starts with a positive attitude and a great cup of coffee.

Politics

Remember way back when the only thing that was annoying on your feed was game requests?

Today’s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.

A large group of Karens is called a Homeowners Association.

Good morning people of my country. Tell me, what are we offended by today?

I’ve just been informed that, although the COVID vaccine won’t have microchips, it will have the new U2 album.

Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least

“Every politician has a promising career. Unfortunately, most of them do not keep those promises.”
-Jarod Kintz

“It’s easier to fool people than to convince them they have been fooled.”
-Mark Twain

“Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.”
-José Maria de Eça de Queiroz

“The Democrats are the party of government activism, the party that says government can make you richer, smarter, taller, and get the chickweed out of your lawn. Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work, and then get elected and prove it.”
-P.J. O’Rourke

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.”
-Groucho Marx

11 Great Puns for your Facebook Status Updates

2,000 mockingbirds is 2 kilomockingbirds.

If someone tells you “I love you,” but you dont feel the same way and dont wanna make it awkward, just say “I love YouTube” really fast.

I like to name my iPod “Titanic,” so when it says “Syncing Titanic,” I click cancel, and it makes me feel like a hero.

I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.

What password does Forrest Gump use for his Facebook account? 1forest1!

Why will you see Voldemort on Instagram, but you won’t find him on Facebook? Because he’s got followers, not friends!

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He’s alright now.

Sausage puns are the wurst.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

Sure, I drank brake fluid. But I can stop anytime!

A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, “Where were you between four and six?” I said, “Kindergarten.”

Various Funny Quotes and Sayings for Facebook Status Updates

The only thing I hate more than having a dirty house is cleaning.

Hundreds of years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove. But the world may be different because I did something so bafflingly crazy that my ruins became a tourist attraction.

Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I’m a valued customer at several grocery stores.

People with push-to-start cars never know where their keys are. They just know the car opened and started, so their keys must be somewhere.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

To err is human. To arr is pirate.

If you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say, “in Jesus’ name, amen.”

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.

Kidnapping? I prefer the term “surprise adoption.”

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

“Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.”
-Groucho Marx

7 Deep and Profound Social Media Status Updates

Advice needs a good listener.

Don’t find true love, and it will find you itself.

It’s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.

Don’t overreact or give advice too quickly. This only trains people not to be open with you.

There’s no such thing as addiction. There are only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

One of the most expensive things you’ll ever do is pay attention to the wrong person.

Deja poo. The feeling that you’ve heard this crap before.

Great Quotes for Your Status Updates

“When someone else’s happiness is your happiness, it’s called true love.”
-Lana del Rey

“The heart has reasons that reason does not understand.”
– Jacques-Bénigne Bossuet

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched; they must be felt with the heart.”
-Helen Keller

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
-Will Ferrell

“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
-Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear

Coach: “How’s a beer sound, Norm?”
Norm: “I don’t know. I usually finish before they get a word in.”
-Coach (Nicholas Colasanto) and Norm (George Wendt), Cheers

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
-Steve Martin

“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends, I need a Ouija board.”
-Betty White

“Beer, if drunk in moderation, softens the temper, cheers the spirit, and promotes health.”
-Thomas Jefferson

“Homer no function beer well without.”
-Homer Simpson

Question:

Which are your favorite funny Facebook status updates?

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