205 Stupid Funny Sayings (and Quotes About Stupidity)

Laughter is the best medicine (especially in the 2020s!). Whether you need a laugh now or want to keep a few funny phrases handy, these stupid funny sayings are just what the doctor ordered.

The best things in life aren’t only free; they’re stupid and funny. As the Irish proverb says, “a good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book.” This blog post contains dumb quotes, good quotes, and several dozen silly sayings that I hope will bring you great pleasure!

Stupid Funny One-Liners

These stupid sayings won’t just have you laughing. They’ll have you wondering if there’s not a little truth to them. They’re not meant to educate or enlighten, though, only to make people laugh.

Everyone has the right to do stupid things, but you’re abusing that privilege.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.

There are three kinds of people in this world: those who can count and those who can’t.

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

I can’t brain today. I have the dumb.

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers because I can always count on them.

If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

In politics stupidity is not a handicap.

If pro is the opposite of con, what would then be the opposite of progress?

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

A wise man once told me to always listen carefully because…um…I can’t remember.

My granddad started walking a few miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.

I walk around as though everything is fine, but deep down, on my right calf, my sock is sliding down.

It is not my fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!

Have you ever wondered why you can’t taste your tongue?

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.

If it requires fake smiling, I’m not going.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a crowd. If they laugh at you, you’re still young. If they run to you concerned, you’re getting old.

If I say a hen dips snuff, you can look under her wing for the can.

You can train a cat to do anything the cat wants to do at the moment it wants to do it.

A jellyfish has existed as a species for 500 million years, surviving just fine without a brain. Also politics.

Busy as a one-eyed dog in a smokehouse.

Ever noticed that humans cut down big birdhouses to make smaller birdhouses?

I am swift as a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a Land Rover. 8 days ago.

A guy talking on his phone in the store just said, “Jen, I’m in the car and on my way.” I yelled at his phone, “No, he’s not. He’s still in the store!” because nobody lies to Jen when I’m around.

You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?

I have to plug in my phone to charge it so often that I pretty much have a landline again.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Freedom means the right to yell, “THEATRE!” in a crowded fire.

There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.

Don’t believe everything you think.

Don’t believe everything you think.

God, I want patience, and I want it now!

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Change is inevitable, except from a parking meter.

Of course, I can keep secrets, but the people I tell them to obviously can’t.

If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!

If you see nothing you could be grateful for, check your pulse.

Whatever you’re doing, always give 100 percent. Unless you’re donating blood.

If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?

To err is human. To arr is pirate.

I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

I’m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything… Far from it.

Learn from Pandora’s mistake—think outside the box.

Death is hereditary.

My imaginary friend thinks you have some serious problems.

I’m not crazy. My imaginary friends can prove it.

If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

I went outside today. It was too hot, and there were people. Zero Stars.

I like to stay home. It’s too peopley outside.

I can’t talk to you today. I talked to two people yesterday.

I found out why I’m single. It turns out you have to go outside and let people see you.

Support bacteria, they are the only culture some people have.

There is no such thing as stupid questions..only stupid people

I want to be unique! Just like everyone else.

Would you believe that my neighbor came ringing my doorbell at 2:00 this morning? Luckily for him, I was still up playing bagpipes.

My neighbors listen to really good music. Whether they like it or not.

An opportunist is the guy who drinks the water while the pessimist, the optimist and the realist are arguing about how full the glass is.

If a man said he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it. There is no need to nag him every 6 months about it.

Always end up phone calls like this: I have to run, the swing is free now.

The snorers are always the ones to fall asleep first.

Sausage puns are the wurst.

The hot dog is the noblest of all dogs. It feeds the hand that bites it.

My favorite cookbook is a takeout menu.

I’d like to grow my own food, but I can’t find bacon seeds.

The person who discovered milk. What was he doing?

I’m happy we live in modern times and I don’t have to hunt pizza myself.

When life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

If your friend asks for some of your chips, you can reply: There’s no ‘we’ in chips.

It’s funny how many people get mad when a sentence doesn’t end as they lasagna.

I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I need sunglasses to open the fridge tells me it was awesome!

Listen, if drunk me did or said something, you’ve got to take it up with drunk me. Don’t tell sober me, because we don’t know what happened. We weren’t there.

Do you know the verse of the Bible where it tells you how to turn water into wine? Asking for a friend.

Wine: The WD-40 of parenting.

Half the day, I wonder if it’s too late for coffee. The other half I wonder if it’s too early for whiskey.

Something about today makes me want to have a hangover tomorrow.

Hangover: The revenge of the surviving brain cells for their fallen comrades.

If you do a job too well, you’ll get stuck with it.

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Probably because his name is Cameron.

I’d tell you to go to Hell, but I work there and I don’t want to see you every day.

Coffee: Because hating your job should be done with enthusiasm.

You can’t be late until you show up.

Some days it takes me all day to get nothing done.

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time-consuming.

A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a workstation…

Doing nothing is difficult. You never know when you’re finished.

Children in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause children!

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

Wine: The WD-40 of parenting. (It’s worth repeating!)

My wife just said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” That’s a funny way to start a conversation.

Shayne’s Stupid Funny Sayings

I might utter stupid, funny phrases now and then, especially on my Beer Thursday podcast. These humorous sayings seem to roll off the tongue. These are ones that I can remember, that I use more often. Feel free to listen to the episodes and let me know the stupid funny sayings I’ve missed.

"I'm parsley to cilantro."I’m parsley to cilantro.

My favorite Edgar Allen Poe song is that one that goes, “Who can that be knockin’ at my door? Go away, don’t come around here no more.

Willie Nelson told me I should stop name-dropping.

It doesn’t make sense because sense isn’t what it makes.

I think Alexa may be the ultimate mansplainer.

If you stick your head far enough up your own ass, you become your own universe.

Barry Manilow writes the songs, but he doesn’t write the songs about writing the songs. He should write an Inception song is what he should do.

My favorite part of science has to be the peach tree dishes. I love the smell of peaches!

To twins: Which one of you looks more alike?

I’m so vain. I probably think this post is about me.

Stupid Funny Quotes

Are they stupid quotes or are they funny quotes? I rather think they were going for both. These witty quotes from famous people about stupidity will make you LLOL (Literally Laugh Out Loud) and perhaps make you appreciate stupidity a little bit.

“Puns are the highest form of literature.”
– Alfred Hitchcock

“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”
– Groucho Marx

“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”
– Groucho Marx

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
– Groucho Marx

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”
– Groucho Marx

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”
– Groucho Marx

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
– Groucho Marx

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
– Andy Rooney

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.”
– Rita Mae Brown

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
—Steve Martin

“There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that.”
– Steve Martin

“All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.”
– Steve Martin in Sgt. Bilko

“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.”
– Oscar Wilde

“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”
—Oscar Wilde

“These drapes are awful. One of us will have to go.”
– Oscar Wilde

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
– Steven Wright

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”
– Steven Wright

“I’m addicted to placebos.”
– Steven Wright

“The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.”
– Clairee Belcher (Olivia Dukakis) in Steel Magnolias

“All generalizations are false, including this one.”
– Mark Twain

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
– Mark Twain

“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”
– Mark Twain

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.”
– Mark Twain

“Don’t let schooling interfere with your education.”
– Mark Twain

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
– Mark Twain

“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”
– Joan Rivers

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
– Erma Bombeck

“Never trust an optometrist who won’t look you in the eye.”
– Erma Bombeck

“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck

“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
– Erma Bombeck

“If a cricketer, for example, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?”
– Prince Philip, ‘Duke Of Edinburgh’

“I don’t have a funny bone in my body; now I know why my surgeon’s bills are so high.”
– Rory R. Cuphist

“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.”
– Sarah Brown

“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“Doing nothing is not as easy as it looks. You have to be careful because the idea of doing anything which could easily lead to doing something that could cut into your nothing and that would force me to have to drop everything.”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”
– Phyllis Diller

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”
—Phyllis Diller

“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”
– Phyllis Diller

“Some people die at twenty-five and aren’t buried until they are seventy-five.”
– Benjamin Franklin

“Puns are the highest form of literature.”- Alfred Hitchcock

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”
– Lily Tomlin

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams

“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
– George Burns

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
– George Burns

“I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don’t have to respect anybody.”
– George Burns

“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns

“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
– Ryan Reynolds

“The Covid Test is quick and easy. The doctor places the swab up your nose, just deep enough to tickle your childhood memories and then it’s over. No matter what you say to him, he won’t buy you dinner first.”
– Ryan Reynolds

“I hope to be reincarnated as Hugh’s cell phone. Just so I can spend all goddam day cradled in his buttery-soft hands.”
– Ryan Reynolds

“I sometimes confuse watching political coverage with swan-diving into a swimming pool filled with liquid rabies.”
– Ryan Reynolds

“I’m making an oil painting of my sister, Sarah. And it’s more difficult than I thought because I don’t have a sister.”
– Ryan Reynolds

“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
– Jon Bon Jovi

Tribute to the King of Stupid and Funny: Michael Scott

There is no better source of stupid funny sayings than Michael Scott from The Office. This is nowhere near every one of the famous manager’s wise words. They’re merely the tip of the bucket! They’re just a drop in the iceberg. (I didn’t even count those two.)

“I love inside jokes. I hope to be a part of one someday.”

“When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this was before I had even heard of one, or seen one. I just drew a picture, of a horse that could fly over rainbows and had a huge spike in its head. I was five! Five years old. Couldn’t even talk yet.”

“That has sort of an oaky afterbirth.”

“And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.”

“I know it’s illegal in Pennsylvania, but it’s for charity, and I consider myself a great philanderer.”

“I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero?… I really can’t say, but yes!”

“I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise, and I have worms.”

“Sometimes I’ll start a sentence, and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.”

“Well, it’s love at first sight. Actually, it was… no, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.”

“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”

“My philosophy is, basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don’t, ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or, or where you’ve been. Ever. For any reason. Whatsoever.”

“I have cause. It’s beCAUSE I hate him.”

“Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry that your party’s so lame.”

“You know what they say ‘Fool me once, strike one, but fool me twice… strike three.’”

“Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that’s baloney because grief isn’t wrong. There’s such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.”

“Make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order.”

“Now, you may look around and see two groups here. White-collar, blue-collar. But I don’t see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.”

“Presents are the best way to show how much you care. It’s a tangible thing you can point at and say, ‘Hey man, I love you. This many dollars worth.’”

Drax, The Destroyer is Quite Skilled at Stupid and Funny

Another one of my favorite sources of stupid funny sayings is Drax, the Destroyer from the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Since he takes everything literally, he is an excellent source of hilarious quotes for Marvel movies.

“You don’t have to believe in yourself because I believe in you.”“Nothing goes over my head. My reflexes are too fast. I would catch it.”

“It’s like a pirate had a baby with an angel.”

“I’ve mastered the ability of standing so incredibly still… that I become invisible to the eye… Watch.”

“I have famously huge turds.”

“I tried to let you down easily by telling you you were disgusting.”

“I’ll do YOU one better: WHY is Gamora?”

“I would not slice his throat. I would cut his head clean off.”

“You just need to find a woman who is pathetic, like you.”

“Do not ever call me a thesaurus.”

“I, Too, Am Extraordinarily Humble.”

“Tell him about the dance-off to save the Universe.”

“There are two types of beings in the universe: Those who dance and those who do not.”

Quotes About Stupidity

Some quotes are funny and stupid. These are the best funny quotes about stupidity. Many of these sarcastic sayings seem a little too harsh for me. I think I have more patience and appreciation for stupid people (just in case I happen to be one).

“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
– Gustave Flaubert

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
– George Benard Shaw

“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
– George Bernard Shaw

“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
– Mark Twain

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence — then success is sure.”
—Mark Twain

“There is no sin except stupidity.”
– Oscar Wilde

“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
– Oscar Wilde

“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
– (probably not https://quoteinvestigator.com/2010/05/04/universe-einstein/) Albert Einstein

“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams

“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
– Harlan Ellison

“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
– Clive James

“Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.”
– Abraham Lincoln

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
– Abraham Lincoln

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”
– Benjamin Franklin

“People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages.”
– Benjamin Franklin

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”
– Albert Einstein

“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein

“Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.”
– Terry Pratchett

“Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by legislation. Stupidity is not a sin, the victim can’t help being stupid. But stupidity is the only universal capital crime: the sentence is death, there is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity.”
– Robert A. Heinlein from Time Enough For Love

That one seems kind of mean.

“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
– Bertrand Russell

“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
– Chris Rock

“Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others. The same applies when you are stupid.”
– Ricky Gervais

Question: Which are your favorite stupid funny sayings?

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